It's been a while since I have posted anything, not because I don't have anything written but because what I have written isn't for public consumption. You could say I have had a "writer's block" but it's more like a "mother's block". You remember your mother saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."
A year ago I started this blog because I wanted to "purge" my head. I have all these ideas and thoughts swirling inside and I wanted to do some cleaning. A little dusting in the corners of my soul, a heavy-duty scrubbing of my "drama-queen self" and a sorting through of all the emotional baggage I carry around. The problem - a lot of that baggage isn't pleasant, funny, witty, charming or even slightly endearing. Most of it is garbage plain and simple. And some of it is stinky, filthy, rotting STENCH that requires heavy-duty gloves, face-mask and a big shovel.
And to those of you who read my posts (thank you! - my little "i" ego LOVES you!), it isn't fair to dump my garbage on your doorstep. My nightmare coming to life is watching an episode of "Hoarders" - I physically cringe when I see inside people's homes that are overrun with stuff that has consumed their space and their lives. I couldn't understand why they would bring in professionals to gently confront the hoarder with each item and allow the hoarder to decide if they were ready to let go of the item or not. I thought they just needed to bring in a professional cleaning crew with a dumpster and walk in and start tossing. Better yet, get a front-end loader and go to town.
But that approach doesn't work because the hoarder will only start collecting again. The fix is temporary unless the professional addresses the hoarder's reasons and the hoarder is ready to make a change.
I get it now. Hoarders aren't any different from me. While I can keep my space "clutter-free", my mind is chock full of garbage that I cling to when it is no longer useful or I tuck away in a corner to collect dust. I have wonderful friends and family that all want to help me get rid of it, some who give me gentle nudging, others who are waiting with the front-end loader -- but until I am ready to let go and do the heavy-lifting of sorting through the mess of accumulated hurts and regrets, it will continue to pile up. Purging really is about sorting and deciding what can be saved, what can be given away, what can be recycled and what needs to be sent to the garbage dump. What's garbage isn't meant for others. Others shouldn't have to pick up my trash and clean up after me.
So I have been sorting. Lots of junk is swirling around and while I would like to dump it out there and let someone else deal with it, I know that I can't. I know that it will only add to my garbage pile when I hurt someone else with my emotional baggage. It is all about me and I need to clean up my own mess. I will find treasures to keep, hidden gems of truth and space to breathe in where rays of light can "lighten" my soul.
I am feeling lighter already. Writing this today helped get rid of that garbage thought of "I should be writing". I am. I am ready. I have a table cleared, flowers blooming, sun shining and a smile to greet the day.
