It's Day 1 without Denise. Our youngest (baby) is back in the city getting ready for her final year in nursing and the house has been reclaimed. Vaccuming done, bedsheets changed, furniture re-arranged, laundry done, dusting done, bathroom tidied and here I am singing the blues.
Anyone who has ever had adult children come back for spring/summer after university knows what I am talking about. You spend eight months missing them, have them home for a week and you are tearing your hair out. Who knew that the independent young adult you raised would come home and in a matter of hours you would be back to being the nagging parent and they would be the demanding child, except that they are an adult now and your expectations have changed. Guess what – so have theirs. Problem is your pattern of relating to each other hasn't changed.
You spend an entire summer in some freakish live human experiment where you are sure someone is setting up the whole thing to see how you react to your environment. I picture a lab full of white coats who have put me in a maze and every time I get close to mastering it they throw in a barrier to see what I will do. “Cue menopause!”
So what are you to do? You take it day by day, you live, you learn and most of all you love. Last night we were at a friend's 80th birthday party. What struck me was when his daughter got up to talk about her dad. She told some funny stories and made reference to her dad's “quirks” (what parent doesn't have them?). At the end she told the whole room, what was really special about her dad was that no matter what, she knew that he always loved her, he had unconditional love for her and her siblings. She knew she could count on her dad for that love and really that's all that matters.
In the end I hope that's what our daughter knows. No matter how “crazy” I am, how over-protective, how difficult, how demanding, how annoying, how anal, how hormonal, how tired, how angry, that ultimately I love her no matter what. I know she wishes I would “grow up” faster and be the parent she wants me to be – easy-going, calm, charming, funny, quick to forgive and forget, less intrusive, more interesting, patient and a better listener. And I want to be that parent too, it's just that wanting and being are two different things. After failing my fourth Summer Session of “Relating to Your Adult Child and Being an Adult While Doing It 101”, I know that I received top marks in, “Loving Your Daughter with All Your Heart and Soul” and will continue to every single moment of my life.
Have a great year Denise. I love YOU!
