Today I am starting a journey of self-discovery in my postings. It isn't pretty and right now, awfully painful. You are welcome to come along for the ride or to bypass this journey altogether. I won't blame you. I have been avoiding it for a long time myself even as I took every step along the path. I like to think of myself as seeing the bright side in everything and to be able to put a funny spin on my story - I have been able to entertain myself along the way. In a way, I have been dancing around the very things that demand my attention because I so want to believe the image I have created and not the reality I face. But I started this blog for a number of reasons and one was to purge the clutter in my brain - my thoughts. These thoughts have long been circling and waiting for a chance to escape.
I am an enabler. Not a small time one, a really BIG one. For many years I have struggled with this and yearned to "correct" the condition. I have gone for counselling, I have changed my behaviour, I have analyzed, I have prayed, I have sought comfort in the support of friends and family - I have done so many things to "fix" the problem. What I haven't done much of is identify what is driving me to enable and how self-centered I am in my enabling. Here is what I have learned about myself so far.
I want to be seen as the "good" mother who helps. A few years ago I finished that sentence for myself. Help what? Help the person avoid responsibility? Help the person stay comfortable in their addiction? Help the person see me as their hero? When I finished the sentence, I didn't like what I heard. I had deceived myself into thinking that if I did something it would be helpful. Why? Did I really think I had all the answers? Did I think I could predict or change the future by doing something for them? Did I think I had the expertise and objectivity to really assess what was going on and how best to intercede? Did I think if I helped I could at least placate my soul that cried in anguish at its utter helplessness?
Did I really think it was all about me?
My feelings were hurt, bruised, BATTERED and my mind was in hyper-drive trying to make that go away. In the face of a situation that had no quick solution, no predictability for the future and where my actions as a mother contributed to where this person was I was behaving in a way that made it all about me. I was trying to FEEL better, even if that feeling was based on throwing up my hands and saying "well at least I tried - the rest is up to them." I would go to friends and family and tell them my sad tale. As a social species, we are great at comforting each other in our illusions. We feel the same way - we don't like disharmony and we want so much to "help" each other because it is so UNCOMFORTABLE to watch someone in pain. Our "empathy" kicks in, but sometimes there is no solution or anything that we can do to help. And so the basic instinct is to tell each other that what we have done is for the best. We did the best we could in the circumstances. I was seeking confirmation for my actions and having the great support network I do, they were happy to oblige. I wanted to be comforted, to KNOW that I was the best mother I could be, that hindsight is always 20-20 and so it is unhelpful to look back at those mistakes and acknowledge them. "You did the best you could with what you knew at the time." True - all so very true and I would say the same to anyone else experiencing distress. But did that mean it was the BEST thing to do given the circumstances. Probably not. I made a mistake - I made plenty of mistakes and what made it worse was that I couldn't correct those mistakes. And regret is an even worse place to be...
But again, it was all about me. Why was I trying to placate myself, to prop up an image of the "good" mother. Why in this situation was that so important? Why couldn't I let that one go? I am still struggling with this one. What I did decide is that I had to finish the sentence. If I am going to make this about me, I wanted it to be about my choices that were based on the other, not on keeping me from feeling hurt. I needed to get to the heart...no matter how imperfectly my love may be for this person, I wanted to help them get well. I wanted to support their healing. I wanted to help them get treatment for a disease that affects so many and ravages their body, their mind, their very soul. Addiction is deadly.
So what could I do? I could keep that mantra in my mind - I want to support/help your wellness. What would that look like? Over the years I have put up boundaries, not for that person, for me - boundaries that prevent me from being sucked into my void of helplessness and hurt, but to really think about what I can do that will support the choice I have made. I needed time to assess new information and see if I need to "change" my mind, to integrate new knowledge that may contradict my beliefs. And at the end of the day I need to make peace with the unknown. I need to acknowledge that I don't have the answers, I am not the hero in this story, I just don't know. I know that I may choose to do nothing - to not give money, to not pay for another month's rent, to not buy clothing to not do a whole lot of things. While I may have decided that it fits with my choice of not making them comfortable in their illness thus avoiding treatment, I don't know if that will help and that FEELS horrible.
And I have to get away from wanting that soother to suck on, the one that keeps feeding my self-esteem. I don't know what is going to happen. I can't even guess. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.....and that HURTS. My pain is real and raw and I am just going to let myself feel that. I don't know if this will last for the rest of my life or if it will go away tomorrow. It doesn't matter anymore. I am part of the great unknown and I know I have plenty of company here - not many answers.
Is that okay? I don't know, why do I even ask myself that? What will it help? I am who I am - a combination of my genes and my experiences. I will continue to do what we all have been doing. I am using that combination to navigate the journey of life that has no clear destination. There is no map, there is no guide. There are only choices along the way. I have no control, it has always been an illusion. I can't control the outcome for me or for anyone else. I can only choose in each and every moment of the journey. I have made mistakes that have gained me insight that has deposited me here, right now. I have met incredible people along the way who have shared their knowledge and walked with me a ways. The journey has been incredibly rich and filled with lots and lots of LOVE. If that is what I have to go on....I will be okay. My feelings/self-esteem may suffer but I will be okay.
To all of you who have been incredibly patient, who have reached out to comfort, who have walked with me a ways - THANK YOU. It is the knowledge that I am loved that sustains me in my darkest moments, the light that reaches out and lets me know that no matter how lonely the journey is, I am not alone.
Does this last bit contradict everything else I said - I don't know and I am okay with that right now. May you find peace with the unknown today.
