Who Let Us Be the Grownups Anyways?

It is one of those weeks where I have felt constantly under siege. Each time I get my head wrapped around one thing, another pops up and my emotional response is a little on the "crotchety" side. I just get back up when BAM, another hit comes and down I go for the count. While these experiences may help contribute to my maturity, in the moment they just feel like overload. Can someone in the universe let me "learn" my lesson in my own time!

So who let us be the grownups anyways? As long as my mom and dad were around, I could dip my toes into the pool of adulthood without having to fully submerge. With dad's death and mom's alzheimer's, I and my siblings are now the "head" of the household. Whether we wanted it or not, we have been dunked. Every time I come up for air I get another dunking. I wasn't ready for this and I don't think I really signed up for it.

I remember those childhood/teenage years where aging seemed to be an ever elusive and unreachable goal. What I craved - independence to do what I wanted, when I wanted - was just that. I didn't know that I would have to take all the responsibility that came with it and be face-to-face with the consequences of my ill-thought out choices. And I didn't know that my body may mature but my mental/emotional maturity would take years and years to gain any ground. What you may see when you look at me is an adult, but inside that little "i" is jumping up and down demanding constant attention - man that inner child is annoying!

About a year and a half ago I still had a safety net. I could call up mom and dad and have a good chat, know that they had my back no matter what happened. They were always rooting for me and allowed me to be in "Neverland" just a little bit longer. I could still drift into their comforting arms and be held in their loving embrace - protected from all the monsters in my life. I still had to take responsibility but I knew that I could always turn to them for solace. I didn't have to be the "grownup" with them and I loved that space to be the child I still was inside.

Now it's our turn and I have to say I wasn't ready for this role. I want to be the confident, warm, loving and wise parent on the outside, but inside I am screaming for HELP! Who let me be the grownup? Don't you think I should have interviewed for this? Shouldn't my apprenticeship be a little longer? What if I fail? Who will be there to pick up the pieces? Maybe we should think this over a bit more....

So let me start by apologizing for my inadequacies and my denial. I thought I had more time. I thought I could avoid the job. I didn't think they were serious and thought they would find a more suitable replacement. I thought I could pretend to be grownup without having to really mean it, that it was just like playing "dressup". I never knew how hard mom and dad had it when their parents passed away. I didn't know how vulnerable they must have felt to know that you were it - you were the grownup now.

Right now I just want to be curled up beside mom and dad getting the "snuggling" that made it all alright. No matter how bad it was, they always had that for me, just letting me know that it was okay. I could be the child and let them be the adult for just that moment. That's all I needed to get up and go again and play at being a grownup, to keep rehearsing for that reality show called life. But this isn't a dress rehearsal anymore. I am here trying to get a grip on what it means to be an "adult" and I am finding out what mom and dad knew all along. It isn't easy. There is no manual. When you think you know something you find out you really don't know anything. You are human. You will make mistakes. And it's okay - you will be alright. Pick yourself up, grab the helping hand, breathe and most importantly LIVE every moment. Joy is there in the wonder of it all.

Thanks mom, thanks dad. I think I can do this.....