I have just returned from a fabulous visit with my mom. If you have read any of my previous posts about my mother Alda you will know that she has alzheimer's and she is now in a nursing home on the alzheimer's unit. My mom is lots of fun to visit and I enjoy every moment I am with her. Even in her "grumpy" moments her sense of humour and love of life beams through. She has always been my role model for life and continues to be. Her present state has taught me a lot about what it means to lose your memory and whose memory is really the problem.
So let's get that right out of the way - it's OUR memory that is the problem not the person who has alzheimer's. Yes, they likely don't remember your name, why they know you, where they are, if you visited the day before, who your husband is, where you live, or any of the moments they have shared with you throughout your lifetime together. SO, who cares? Why is that so important? Why are we so hung up on being remembered?
It is our memory of the person and who they were that is the problem. It is because it is all about US and not them that it is a problem. And trust me, I know that is a tough thing to say, but the truth nonetheless. Let's be honest with ourselves. We are mourning the people our parents once were, we are mourning the memories we have of them and that we were people they once intimately knew. We are mourning that we are not "top of mind" and hold some special place in that memory of theirs and that we have effectively disappeared. We are mourning our own "deaths" because we often don't exist in their diminishing memories.
As a result I have done all of these things (see list below) and continue to see others do the same. It wasn't until my mother lived with us for six months after my father's death that I learned that it wasn't all about me, that my mother was a lovely person to be discovered in every moment and that by making it about her she gave me the greatest gift of all - TIME spent together. Here are some of the things we do when we make it about us and what we can do to make it about the other person.
1. Ask the person if they "remember" our name.
STOP playing guessing games. It is frustrating for the person with alzheimer's as they likely don't remember. Instead start your conversation with "Hello mom, it's Edith your daughter from Alberta." Tell them who you are and why they know you. You will be rewarded with a big smile OR a conversation starter - "Alberta! Why do you live in Alberta?"
2. Ask the person if they "remember the time when....."
This is the same as #1, a guessing game they are likely to lose. Let them be winners by telling them a story of your time together. Mom loves to hear stories of her past, where she grew up, how many children she has, the funny things we have done together, the wonderful characters who have interacted with her throughout her life. It is a great way to make a connection and mom is great at laughing at the moments that are truly funny, at laughing at her "former" self, at being incredulous when it is clear that I am "embellishing" a tad and raptly letting me entertain her. As we have spent many moments together I always have lots of stories to tell.
3. Not visit the person because "they won't remember anyways".
You are right. They won't remember your visit. I visited my mother every day for five days in a row and took her out every time. Every day when I told her "stories" about our time together the day before she would say, "I'm not so sure about that." The point of the visit isn't that she will remember, the point is that we spend time together and in that moment she is getting attention. If you saw the number of people that "hang out" by the elevator door on mom's floor, waiting for someone to pay some attention to them, you would know that the memory of the visit is not the purpose. It is the visit that is so important. Just the thought of mom "waiting" for someone to interact with makes me cry.
4. Not calling when you can't visit because "they won't remember the call anyways".
See #3 - same thing. My brother makes a point of calling me when mom is at his house for Sunday supper. Our phone calls aren't long but they are a great way to share a moment together and as long as mom is able to do this we will continue.
5. Making the visit really short because you don't know what to say.
Here is where you get to "flex" your communication skills and make your conversations/actions about the other person. I tell mom stories about "us". I make photo albums for mom that we look at together and point out people telling her who they are and how she knows them. My brother made a CD of mom's favorite music that she can dance to and we turn on the CD player and dance. I take mom out for a treat - she loves sweets and just the going out gives us lots to talk about as mom asks about everyone she sees and everything she reads on our travels. I take her back to my brother's house and we sit on the couch together and watch a movie - The Wizard of Oz is her favorite. Get curious and discover the things that make the other person happy and the time will "fly" by as you share the moments.
Memory is not everything. Moments lived together are. It is time to "step up to the plate" with our parents. It is not "all about us" anymore, it is about them. Let's get over ourselves and agree that they might not remember us, they might not know our name, they might not know the lifetime we have shared together. What a great way to create a new life, to start fresh every time and BE with each other in just that one moment, to shed our past and just LIVE. You will never regret one moment of that time and you will discover the wonderful person your parent is right now. What a great gift.
ENJOY your time with your parent - remember LIFE is short. Seize every moment.