It's official. My passion is becoming my obsession. For those of you who know me, this won't come as a surprise. Most of you would have said that it was inevitable. It's true, I am on that side of the spectrum where once I get hold of something, I can't let it go. It is hard to tell if I am holding onto it or it is holding onto me. Is this what separates the mundane from the masterpieces? I wonder where the line is for the truly talented? If you can still distinguish and surface into reality, have you not gone far enough to be a genius?
My mom was obsessive compulsive. She was never diagnosed but when looking back at her life (and cleaning out her house) you can see how her obsessiveness to keeping everything neat and tidy became compulsive - she couldn't let go and her compulsion wouldn't let go of her. Even now with alzheimer's securely entrenched, you can see her mind fixating and not wanting to let go until the "job" is done. Her passion wouldn't make her famous, but it did make her organized and allowed her to raise four children, be frugal so that retirement was possible for mom and dad and kept her footprint on this earth to a bare minimum. In her later years her passion became a compulsion and was her ball and chain, keeping her tied to the house, worrying about everyone and narrowing her world to what she could control. Fixating on finding a place for everything and putting it away perfectly kept her from reading, sitting down and enjoying the company, relaxing and finding peace in the chaos. Considering how much her later life was dominated by her obsession, she still managed to leave home for visits, to be involved in the community and to have company over. Was she relaxed about it? - no, but she had moments of pure joy, laughter and yes, once in a while you could see her relax. Her compulsiveness wasn't debilitating to the point of complete withdrawal, but as the years went on, it became more difficult for her to unchain herself.
I wonder about this a lot. When your passion - however you define it, becomes an obsession - how will you know? And if it does, does that make it a bad thing? How do we decide what obsessions are worthy and which ones aren't? Does the human descent into obsession give the world beauty, joy, cures, love? Does it also give us the evil acts that destroy? Where is the line between what builds and what destroys? And will we know in that moment which one it will be? As we all know, the scientific breakthrough that brought the breaking of the atom, brought us the atom bomb. And even with that evil unleashed in the world, it still has brought us science that will lead us to building our society, not just destroying society. So how do we judge our passions, our obsessions?
I started this post about my passion turning into an obsession. My photography on my runs is that passion. It is the taking of pictures of the colours of Fall right now. I know I am falling into an obsession because it is the backdrop to my dreams - even my nightmares and my behaviour at times is thoughtless. I see the Fall colours everywhere. I notice the play of light and the colours the light creates. Is this a good obsession? Will it lead me to building up or to destruction? Should I let myself go and willingly submit to its hold on me? Right now, I am going to enjoy the ride and observe. What will I notice about myself? Will I like what I see? Will I like who I am? As always, I have the answer within. When my passion turns into an obsession, I know where the line is and I know when that line is being crossed. Passion serves me and others. Obsession serves itself. It's how quickly that happens that trips me up. I can miss that switch from passion to obsession easily and I can ride that descent mindlessly before I recognize the hold it has. And it is sneaky...it can snake back and forth teasing as you go from passion to obsession to passion all in an instant. Or more insidiously, it creeps slowly where you justify that you really haven't moved over the line that much, just a little bit and it will be easy to go back over again. What you don't realize is that you keep moving your line until you have dragged it so far away that it seems a huge journey to get back and you are exhausted from dragging that chain for so long.
And that's why I want to hear from you. Collectively, our human stories of our unique journeys give us all guideposts to watch for on our own path. Your re-telling of your experience with the accumulated wisdom of your hindsight may be the "ah-ha" moment that keeps me from going through the swamp of despair or avoid the broken glass of regret along my own path.
What's your passion? When do you know if it has switched into an obsession and is only serving itself? How long does it take you to get out of its clutches? How does your body/mind alert you to the descent? Has the descent been what you needed? Has it led you to awareness or growth as a result of the experience?
I want to hear your stories....I want to hear your truths. Enjoy the pictures I took today - my passion? my obsession?
